Is Estrangement Always the Parents Fault: Reason & Solution
The relationship between parents and their children is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Just as a mother carries a child inside her womb for nine months, a father carries the responsibilities of that child for the rest of his life.
Parents spare no effort to raise their children to the best of their abilities, but as the child grows up and matures, there is a possibility that they may perceive toxicity within the family and choose to cut off their relationship with their parents. This is what is known as estrangement.
Is estrangement always the parent’s fault? As a parent, you are worried that you might experience such a situation where your child has not spoken to you in years. But you want to avoid this situation at all costs. I will tell you all the possible reasons why your child might start to distance themselves from you and how you can tackle this situation.
Possible Reasons for Estrangement of Parent and Child
Nowadays in the time of social media, it is becoming more and more common for children to start distancing themselves from their parents. The children spent countless hours mindlessly scrolling through their phones giving more importance to the virtual world rather than the real world. But why do children spend so much time on their phones to the point that it might even lead to estrangement? This a very critical question and I have discussed the possible reasons for estrangement between parents and their adult children below:
Children not getting enough attention
Let’s say, if both parents belong to the working class, then there is a high possibility that they are not being able to give sufficient attention to their children. Initially, the child thinks to himself that his parents are busy and when they will become free, he will be able to spend time with them. But many months and years pass by but the situation still does not improve. As a result, the child thinks to himself that spending countless hours on the phone is better than waiting for attention from his parents. Hence the child starts to distance himself and if the situation goes way out of control, then there is a possibility that the child might stop talking to his parents completely.
Abusive parents
Some parents have anger issues and thus they physically beat and abuse their children for the smallest of reasons such as not keeping their room clean or not having their food on time. A parent might
This is not a correct behavior at all! It will cause your child to slowly push you out of their lives and estrangement soon to follow! Nowadays, precedence for children’s rights is set. Thus abusive actions have considerably decreased but there are still instances of this happening all around the world!
Instead, it is better to make the child follow the instructions given to them in a loving and detailed manner. If possible reward the children which will encourage them to follow the given instructions.
Traumatic experiences
Not all children are born the same. Some children are mentally more resilient than their counterparts. Now, what about the mentally volatile children? It is hard to determine if a child is volatile. However, after carefully talking to those children it is possible to find out whether they have some sort of scar tissue from their childhood.
When a child gets abused either physically or verbally, it might leave a lasting effect on the child’s mind such as thoughts of getting abused again and again continuing to occupy his mind.
Even after growing up, the traumatic experience that the child went through in his childhood days does not leave him. The situation might get so bad to the point that whenever that child sees his parents, he gets spooked out. Therefore, the child thinks that it is better How to Move Away from Family? to move away from his parents to avoid recollecting his childhood traumatic experiences.
Tackling Estrangement Before It Happens
Now you have known the possible reasons why estrangement might take place. But how will you deal with estrangement before it happens? No need to worry as I will you all the possible ways through which you can deal with estrangement and maintain a healthy relationship with your adult child.
Be your child’s bestfriend
From your child’s teenage days, try to be more of a friend to your child rather than a parent. But do not overdo it. Try to maintain a balance between being a friend and a parent. The relationship between you and your child should be such that whenever he is facing any trouble or is going through a tough phase, you are the first person with whom he can share all of his thoughts and feelings.
If possible, suggest some ways through which your child might overcome the problem he is going through. If you can build such a relationship with your child, then the chances of estrangement taking place are drastically reduced.
Seek support from family
You might wonder whether you should tell your family members about the ongoing problems that are hampering the relationship between you and your child. In addition to that, a sense of embarrassment might start to come inside you.
You are worried that your family members will judge you and they might even think that maybe you are not a good parent. Well, I am here to tell you that you should completely ignore all of these thoughts! Freely talk to them and try to understand and support them too. Small actions go a long way and it is in your best interest to provide that for your child.
In these difficult times having a shoulder to lean on is extremely important. If you are feeling uncomfortable then you do not need to talk about it with all of your family members. Just talk to someone who is the closest to you. Chances are, that family member might give certain advice which will be of huge help in rectifying the situation you find yourself in.
Respect your child’s decision
I understand that when your child distances himself from you, this leads you to become completely heartbroken and shattered. But ask yourself “Did your child make this decision out of nowhere?”
When you give a deep thought about this matter, chances are that you might recollect certain incidences which occurred with your child in the past but you did not pay much attention to it.
At that time, you might have thought that the situation was nothing too substantial so you overlooked it.
This was a mistake since your child has not forgotten about it as it was not a trivial matter in his eyes. Despite repeatedly trying, the child was not able to get his point across to you. Now it has reached a point where the child says to himself “Enough is enough” and makes the decision to walk away.
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Rebuilding Relationship with an Estranged Child
When your child cuts off his relationship with you, it is no doubt one of the most emotionally devastating and gut-wrenching experiences any individual has to go through. Fortunately, or unfortunately, you are not alone in this regard as numerous parents have gone through the same experience.
Although the chances of reconciliation are not that high, there is still light at the end of the tunnel which will allow you to reconcile with your child. I have addressed some of the ways through which you can reconcile with your child below:
Start with a clean slate
Since there is no point in remembering the past and dwelling on it, it is better to start everything afresh and in a new way. In these times of social media when everything is done digitally, the most beautiful and authentic way through which you can reach out to your child is to send out a handwritten note or letter.
In the note, you can write something emotional which will touch your child’s heart. You do need to write anything over the top. Just try to be authentic and genuine which will increase the likelihood of getting a response from your child.
Do not lose hope
It is very easy to give up on the thought of reconciling with your child when you see that despite numerous attempts to contact him, you are not getting any sort of response. Honestly speaking, giving up should be your last option.
One thing which you need to understand is that in order to reconcile with your child it will not only take huge amounts of effort but patience and perseverance as well. Try reaching out to your child every now and then but do not make it seem that you are desperate.
Even though your child is not getting back to you for the time being, a continued effort will surely affect your child in a positive light! By the end, he or she will be open to rebuilding the relationship.
Be open-minded
The possible reason why estrangement even took place between you and your child could be because you are not an open-minded individual. As a result, in the past, there might be numerous instances where you did not agree with your child.
The more times you disagreed, the likelihood of you pushing away your child increased ten-fold. Since you are trying to reconcile with your child, it is essential that you make your child believe that you are a changed individual. In addition, you are taking the necessary steps in order to stop being a close-minded individual.
FAQs
1. What is estrangement?
This is the state of not being on talking or friendly terms with a person or within a community. It could be found among family members.
2. Could therapy solve the issue of estrangement?
Yes, it can. However, it is important to keep an open mind in order to take in the advice given by the therapist.
3. What are the possible reasons for estrangement to take place?
There are numerous reasons such as children getting inadequate attention, parents are not open-minded, traumatic experiences, and lastly abusive parents.
Final Thoughts
Estrangement is hampering the beautiful relationship that exists between parents and their children. As a parent, you have to be mindful of whether you are giving attention to your child. Try your utmost to not be an abusive parent as this might leave lasting scars on your child’s mind which might lead to estrangement once the child grows up.
When you get the slightest inkling of a rift between you and your child, try to resolve it as soon as possible before the situation escalates. If the rift gets out of hand, you run the risk of your child severing ties with you and ultimately end communicating with you completely. Try to be an open-minded individual who listens to whatever his child has to say very attentively and by doing so the relationship between you and your child will most likely be a harmonious one.
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Tyler S. Rios, a parent of two, shares her valuable insights into family life. Her blogs focus on parent-child relationships and navigating family conflicts. Tyler's wealth of experience empowers readers to handle family challenges with resilience and resolution.
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